Family
Issues #10 – The Dance of Courtship II (Ex
Introduction –
We are going to continue looking at passages related to the subject of
courtship and betrothal. Remember, we
are seeking wisdom, principles, and direction that we might learn how to dance
with one another in a way that pleases the Lord, protects our daughters, instructs our sons, and loves our neighbors.
The Father’s Role (Ex
The Father’s
Authority – From the time a young man is interested in a
young lady, until the time that vows are given in a public marriage ceremony,
her father has authority and responsibility over everything that goes on.
The Father’s
Protection – The father is responsible to provide
protection for his daughter. He is also
required to make wise decisions about consequences when there has been sin
involving his daughter. This is not talking
about rape, but consensual activity.
Gender
Differences – We cannot discount the difference between how
the daughter and how the suitor are treated here. There is no discussed authority of the young
man’s father. This is because when he is
acting like this, he has declared that he has left his parent’s home to
establish his own household. Put simply,
the time of courtship is between a father and a suitor and, technically, nobody
else.
Cultivating Familial Authority
– This never works when its just on paper, or when you
are simply quoting a verse to your daughter in a context void of a living
covenant, godly kindness, and fatherly nurture.
Live Like a
Head – Don’t try to convince her that you are the
head of the home if you haven’t lived like one for 18 years. She should grow up seeing you take the
responsibility, often taking the hit, for her mother and all the children in
innumerable situations. It is then
natural for her to turn to you in the days of courtship.
Love Like a
Father (Ps 103:13-14) – Do you know her frame? Does she know you know her frame? Do you reflect the Father’s love for His
children in your love over her?
Protection does not come primarily from rules. Protection comes primarily from your love. She may want to run from rules. She will not want to run from love.
Nurture, Not
Provocation (Eph 6:4) – Father’s have this particular
temptation towards their children. The
area of courtship would be an easy area to provoke your daughter if handled
without love and wisdom. And yes, this
applies to mothers as well.
The Time of Betrothal (2 Cor 11:2-3) – Paul
uses the metaphor of betrothal, or engagement, to discuss his godly jealousy
for the church. The ‘mystery’ of Christ
and the church is not only pictured in marriage, but in the entire process of
betrothal as well. And in that metaphor,
again, implicit teachings can be gathered regarding roles and responsibilities
in courtship.
“I
have betrothed you…” – It is the Father who has made the
promise to give his daughter to this man.
The suitor must seek the father’s permission for her hand.
“I
may present you…” – The daughter, however, is still under
her father’s head until the day she is walked down the aisle. The father still has responsibility to
present a chaste and faithful maiden to this man upon the wedding day (and so
Paul, “…I fear…your minds may be corrupted…”). It does not matter that the person he must
protect her from the most may be the groom himself.
“…betrothed
you to one husband…” – There is a deep vow made at the time
of betrothal. A man has promised
something, and a woman’s father has promised something. And these men must keep their word, as must
the young lady. They are not only
speaking about themselves.
Learning to Dance – As we have pointed
out, the need of the hour is to develop a culture within families (and not just
individuals) that understands how to implement methods with wisdom. This should be done from toddlerhood,
discussed around the dinner table, and encapsulated in a home of trust,
loyalty, and kindness. Nevertheless,
individuals will then have to make the move and join the dance.
A Community of
Familial and Covenant Hospitality, Fellowship, and Service
– Long title, I know, but this is where we must begin. We must provide plenty of opportunity to be
with one another, to know one another’s children and let them observe godly
behavior in other families. Are they
seeing you invite others over, serve others, bless others, admonish others,
forgive others? Do we begin to see how
our children are imitating us? Sons and
daughters need to learn what to look for and where to look. And they must learn that they will never find
those things out in an intimate, candle-lit restaurant with just the two of
them. Godly families should look to
provide hospitality for older singles in our body who do not have the
protection or instruction from Christian parents as well.
A Suitor Courts
a Father – Courtship is not about a man and a woman; it
is about a man and a man. The father
gets to set the rules, and a wise father knows how to protect his daughter in a
way she will love and appreciate. He
will provide ways to get to know the young man, for his family to interact, and
for his daughter to interact. But there
are no vows, no promises, and therefore there must not be any privileges.
The Father
Gives The Promise – We saw from 2 Cor 11 the nature of
betrothal. Now that formal vows have
been given, a special relationship can be cultivated. But all under the chaperoned responsibility
of the father, for the father is still her head.
Abdicating
Fathers – What does the interested son or daughter do
in the circumstance of an absent or abdicating father? The suitor must wisely learn to honor the
office of the father without dishonoring the father himself. The daughter may have a father who doesn’t
care or feel that he has a role to play.
She should listen to whatever counsel he does give, but she should seek
out wise counsel and practical accountability from other godly families
whenever possible.
The Wedding
– This is the doorway to the new household.
Vows are given and consummation will occur. It is part of the glorious picture of Christ
and His bride and should be well decorated and celebrated. But a word of warning – too often ‘the event’
takes over and begins dictating the relationships rather than the relationships
dictating the event. Invite family. Invite the church. Celebrate God’s goodness. He is looking upon this new ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’
and pronouncing it ‘very good’.
Dave
Hatcher – September 14, 2003